Shuck and Jive

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Semi-Pelagian Narrower Catechism

I found the following here.
This will be funny for you if...

You have some familiarity with the Westminster Shorter Catechism (hopefully, if you are a Presbyterian you might have at least heard of it) and if you have ever hung out with the Campus Crusade for Christ Crowd.

The Semi-Pelagian Narrower Catechism
1. Q: What is the chief end of each individual Christian?
A: Each individual Christian's chief end is to get saved. This is the first and great commandment.

2. Q: And what is the second great commandment?
A: The second, which is like unto it, is to get as many others saved as he can.

3. Q: What one work is required of thee for thy salvation?
A: It is required of me for my salvation that I make a Decision for Christ, which meaneth to accept Him into my heart to be my personal lord'n'saviour

4. Q: At what time must thou perform this work?
A: I must perform this work at such time as I have reached the Age of Accountability.

5. Q: At what time wilt thou have reached this Age?
A: That is a trick question. In order to determine this time, my mind must needs be sharper than any two-edged sword, able to pierce even to the division of bone and marrow; for, alas, the Age of Accountability is different for each individual, and is thus unknowable.

6. Q: By what means is a Decision for Christ made?
A: A Decision for Christ is made, not according to His own purpose and grace which was given to me in Christ Jesus before the world began, but according to the exercise of my own Free Will in saying the Sinner's Prayer in my own words.

7. Q: If it be true then that man is responsible for this Decision, how then can God be sovereign?
A: He cannot be. God sovereignly chose not to be sovereign, and is therefore dependent upon me to come to Him for salvation. He standeth outside the door of my heart, forlornly knocking, until such time as I Decide to let Him in.

8. Q: How then can we make such a Decision, seeing that the Scripture saith, we are dead in our trespasses and sins?
A: By this the Scripture meaneth, not that we are dead, but only that we are sick or injured in them.

9. Q: What is the assurance of thy salvation?
A: The assurance of thy salvation is, that I know the date on which I prayed the Sinner's Prayer, and have duly written this date on an official Decision card.

10. Q: What is thy story? What is thy song?
A: Praising my Savior all the day long.

11. Q: You ask me how I know he lives?
A: He lives within my heart.

12. Q: And what else hast thou got in thine heart?
A: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.

13. Q: Where??
A: Down in my heart!

14. Q: Where???
A: Down in my heart!!

15. Q: What witness aid hath been given us as a technique by which we may win souls?
A: The tract known commonly as the Four Spiritual Laws, is the chief aid whereby we may win souls.

16. Q: What doth this tract principally teach?
A: The Four Spiritual Laws principally teach, that God's entire plan for history and the universe centereth on me, and that I am powerful enough to thwart His divine purpose if I refuse to let Him pursue His Wonderful Plan for my life.

17. Q: What supplementary technique is given by which we may win souls?
A: The technique of giving our own Personal Testimony, in the which we must always be ready to give an answer concerning the years we spent in vanity and pride, and the wretched vices in which we wallowed all our lives until
the day we got saved.

18. Q: I'm so happy, what's the reason why?
A: Jesus took my burden all away!

19. Q: What are the means given whereby we may save large crowds of souls in a spectacular manner?
A: Such a spectacle is accomplished by means of well-publicized Crusades and Revivals which (in order that none may be loath to attend) are best conducted anywhere else but in a Church.

20. Q: Am I a soldier of the Cross?
A: I am a soldier of the Cross if I join Campus Crusade, Boys' Brigade, the Salvation Army, or the Wheaton Crusaders; of if I put on the helmet of Dispensationalism, the breastplate of Pietism, the shield of Tribulationism, and the sword of Zionism, having my feet shod with the gospel of Arminianism.

21. Q: Who is your boss?
A: My boss is a Jewish carpenter.

22. Q: Hath God predestined vessels of wrath to Hell?
A: God hath never performed such an omnipotent act, for any such thing would not reflect His primary attribute, which is Niceness.

23. Q: What is sanctification?
A: Sanctification is the work of my free Will, whereby I am renewed by having my Daily Quiet Time.

24. Q: What rule hath God for our direction in prayer?
A: The rule that we must bow our hands, close our heads, and fold our eyes.

25. Q: What doth the Lord's Prayer teach us?
A: The Lord's Prayer teacheth us that we must never memorize a prayer, or use one that hath been written down.

26. Q: What's the book for thee?
A: The B-I-B-L-E.

27. Q: Which are among the first books which a Christian should read to his soul's health?
A: Among the first books which a Christian should read are the books of Daniel and Revelation, and The Late Great Planet Earth.

28. Q: Who is on the Lord's side?
A: He who doth support whatsoever is done by the nation of Israel, and who doth renounce the world, the flesh, and the Catholic Church.

29. Q: What are the seven deadly sins?
A: The seven deadly sins are smoking, drinking, dancing, card-playing, movie-going, baptizing babies, and having any creed but Christ.

30. Q: What is a sacrament?
A: A sacrament is an insidious invention devised by the Catholic Church whereby men are drawn into idolatry.

31. Q: What is the Lord's Supper?
A: The Lord's Supper is a dispensing of saltines and grape juice, in the which we remember Christ's command to pretend that they are His body and blood.

32. Q: What is baptism?
A: Baptism is the act whereby, by the performance of something that seems quite silly in front of everyone, I prove that I really, really mean it.

33. Q: What is the Church?
A: The Church is the tiny minority of individuals living at this time who have Jesus in their hearts, and who come together once a week for a sermon, fellowship and donuts.

34. Q: What is the office of the keys?
A: The office of the keys is that office held by the custodian.

35. Q: What meaneth "The Priesthood Of All Believers"?
A: The Priesthood Of All Believers meaneth that there exists no authority in the Church, as that falsely thought to be held by elders, presbyters, deacons, and bishops, but that each individual Christian acts as his own authority in all matters pertaining to the faith.

36. Q: Who is the Holy Spirit?
A: The Holy Spirit is a gentleman Who would never barge in.

37. Q: How long hath the Holy Spirit been at work?
A: The Holy Spirit hath been at work for more than a century: expressly, since the nineteenth-century Revitalization brought about by traveling Evangelists carrying tents across America.

38. Q: When will be the "Last Days" of which the Bible speaketh?
A: The "Last Days" are these days in which we are now living, in which the Antichrist, the Beast, and the Thief in the Night shall most certainly appear.

39. Q: What is the name of the event by which Christians will escape these dreadful entities?
A: The event commonly known as the Rapture, in the which it is our Blessed Hope that all cars driven by Christians will suddenly have no drivers.

40. Q: When is Jesus coming again?
A: Maybe morning, maybe noon, maybe evening, and maybe soon.

41. Q: When the roll, roll, roll, is called up yonder, where will you be?
A: There.

42. Q: Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah!
A: Praise ye the Lord!

43. Q: Praise ye the Lord!
A: Hallelujah!

44. Q: Where will we meet again?
A: Here, there, or in the air.

45. Q: Can I hear an Ay-men?
A: Ay-men.


  1. 22. Q: Hath God predestined vessels of wrath to Hell?

    Do you disagree with the answer rendered in this satirical skewering of American Arminianism (the other AA)?

  2. Hi St. Casserole!

    Thanks for commenting! My best to you on your new blog!


    Hi again! Yeah, I disagree. Predesitnation is problematic but not because of God's niceness. How about you?

  3. I'm (unsurprisingly) a very classical Calvinist. I believe that God looks upon the legions of rebellious, willfully ignorant, impious, blasphemous, idolatrous humanity - people who literally BEG for the opportunity to offend against God's holiness and spurn God's loving-kindness - and says: "I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy." The rest, God passes by and lets them be the captains of their own destiny, storing up wrath for the day to come, and handing them over to their own willful, sinful desires.

    But since I don't know who's who, I do my best to tell them everyone that will listen that we can't please God apart from faith, the shed blood of Jesus Christ is proof positive that he loves us and has bought us with so sure a price that-no matter how rank and undeserving and arrogant we are- there's not a chance in hell that he will leave even one of his sheep behind. I trust the the Holy Spirit will carry the burden of testifying to the monergistically regenerate that indeed this is the voice of the shepherd and that they will follow.

    Everyone else (i.e., the unregenerate) hears the gospel to their own further damnation because they have an opportunity to heap scorn on the virgin birth, sinless life, perfect teaching, atoning death, justifying resurrection, and glorifying ascension in addition to whatever other folly their hearts went after (and mine would follow, were it not for the Spirit's effectual calling).

    Pretty basic.

    I know it's late in the game, but I was wondering if we could revisit environmentalism. Do you think that DDT should still be banned?

  4. P.S. Could you elaborate on how, precisely, predestination is "problematic" ?

  5. Hi Chris,

    Thanks again. We certainly can revisit environmentalism. I will be talking about that more as time goes on. Tell me more about DDT.

    Also, perhaps when we get to God, presdestination will come up.


  6. I've just been very distrubed about how certain, very vocal sectors of the "green" movement have continued to make it impossible to use DDT (both in this country and in the third world) despite the refutation of the inflated hysteria of its dangers. People are still dying because of Malaria, crops fail from preventable pests, and now West Nile is in my back yard (we've already had confirmed cases here in Louisville).

    I'm just wandering why we don't revisit this proven, pro-human control. I figured that since your church wants to be pro-2/3s world, you might be interested in helping your congregants think about how to get over the hysteria and back to the facts on this life-saving pesticide.

  7. BTW, here's an article that sparked my thinking on the Chicken Little response of many "greens."

  8. Thanks, Chris, for your views on DDT and the website.

  9. Unbelievably funny!!! Thanks for the laugh :)