Shuck and Jive

Monday, July 13, 2009

Fun with the LayMAN

A few LayMAN readers responded to my letter to the PCUSA committee on civil union and Christian marriage. Here is my favorite:
Everyone in the denomination knows that John Shuck is as close to being a heretic as we have in the PCUSA. It seems that he has even influenced his staff as is evidenced by the letter from his office assistant. The PCUSA is not discriminating against same sex couples/same-sex marriage. It is only following the Word of God, which has been revealed to us. The Church universal has maintained this stance on marriage throughout centuries of church history. There have also been many heretics who have come up with bizarre ideas like those of “Shuck & Jive.” I am surprised that Holston Presbytery has not brought charges against the minister who is obviously outside of the boundaries of God’s Word. My heart breaks for those members of his church who are being led astray. Wolves do come in the disguise of sheep’s clothing!
Virginia Parrish
" close to being a heretic..."

sigh--always a bridesmaid, never a bride...

Here is my letter. Don't forget to send yours!


  1. "It is only following the Word of God, which has been revealed to us."

    If THAT'S all it is.... great! I have no time to get housework and leaning done I have been eager to do all summer. Think the church would subsidize a loan for me to buy a slave? I mean, since we are all just following the Word of God right?

    Oooohhh and I can also tell my wife what to do now. Like fix me a nice dinner every night. Thank God I have two boys to inherit my wealth. When should I put them to work. Five too early?

    Too bad I can't eat crabs or shrimp any more. I did love them so.

  2. Oh, Drew! Too bad you don't have any girls! You could sell them into slavery and add even more wealth for your sons. Of course, you could just kill your neighbor and steal his daughters and sell them into slavery. I'm sure he eats shrimp (and probably wears polyester).

  3. Sheesh...what do you have to do to be a full heretic around here, anyway? LOL

  4. Don't forget about the heretic who came up with the "bizarre idea" that the earth revolves around the sun.

    My favorite letter was by the one who threatened to leave the PCUSA.

  5. Why is it that people assume that we can't think for ourselves?

    I don't want to diminish your position as lead heretic, but I'm pretty sure the only difference between you and the other heretics in our denom. is, you are honest.

    And, why do they say "heretic" like it's a bad thing?

  6. John, you are my favorite heretic, well besides Jesus of Nazareth.

  7. Well there is still apostate or even better infidel.

    I wonder if they eat their steaks bloody (Acts 15:20)?

  8. Wow. An echo chamber!

  9. "I don't want to diminish your position as lead heretic,..."

    As you know, Sara, Jesus loves the other heretics in the denomination. It is just that I am his favorite. :)

  10. I liked the part about how the heretic's staff is also being corrupted. (Since I'm one of them.)

  11. Didn't they explain that to you during the interview process, Elaine? I'm almost positive it's in the handbook.

  12. Well geez, of course he influenced you. You're not contending that you poor misguided women can think for yourselves now, are you? ;)

    I can't decide which I find more hilarious in that letter in the Layman, the sexism, or the Catholic notions of clericism (ie. you have to do what your priest says ... or else!) I mean, obviously it would be impossible for a male to be influenced by *you*, wouldn't it? (Especially if that male is a pastor and not just some lowly staff member.)

    You gotta wonder if these people ever consider thinking about what they write for 3 minutes before hitting "send".


  13. Feels good to have so much power and influence. All my sheeple follow my every command.

    Now if only my dog would let me know when she needs to go outside, instead of, well, you know...