Shuck and Jive

Sunday, January 17, 2010


Saw this today and had to repost. Best letter to the editor in a long time. This one is to televangelist Pat Robertson from Satan. It was in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune by "ghost writer" Lily Coyle:
Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll. You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan


  1. I think he's a flake. He said that Katrina was God's punishment on the sinful city, New Orleans. He once "prayed" a hurricane away from his Virginia offices so that it would hit New York City instead. Now Haiti is cursed because some people made a pact with the devil to receive liberation from France? The WHOLE of Haiti? And God has cursed Haiti ever since? How does he know all the people of Haiti made a pact with the devil?

    On top of that there is a strain of racism. The blacks of Haiti couldn't defeat the French without demonic intervention? During the end of the French revolution and the beginning of Napolean's rain? Clearly his study of history is more than a bit skewed. Or he is more than a bit skewed. Or he's a wacko which has been my opinion for years.

  2. It's always amusing to me to watch people who otherwise would agree with Robertson on any number of issues try to put distance between themselves and his lunacy when he starts foaming at the mouth like this.

    But I note that he's still on CBN and that CBN is still making money hand over fist. He's still selling his books and other snake oil.

    So while it's easy to dismiss his rantings as just coo-coo-for-cocoa-puffs BS from one buffoon acting alone, in fact he has plenty of supporters. And while our so-called conservative friends would rather spend their time arguing with us liberals, they totally ignore the mess in their own ideological back yard.

  3. Brother Mike has a recording of Lawrence Olivier reading the OT. He was listening to it the other day and realized that Pat Robertson was saying much the same thing that many of the OT prophets presumably said centuries ago.

  4. The OT prophets can at least be forgiven for not knowing about plate tectonics. Anyway, as anyone who has read the Bible can attest, all that stuff was before God became a Christian. :)

    What's Robertson's excuse?

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. Absolutely the point, Alan! The people who adhere to Robertson's brand of "propheteering" are willfully ignorant - and so is he!

  7. Actually the OT prophets had a rather specific formula:

    1. Here is the problem (usually injustice) now
    2. You better change your ways or you will be in trouble
    3. And this is what will happen if you don't change your ways.

    Although there are instances, like in Jeremiah, where the prophet says it's too late, God has had it with you all and punishment will happen whether you like it or not.

    Robertson has this curious habit of saying it happened and then declaring that what has happened is God's judgment. He's got it backward. Which means he isn't a prophet.

  8. Hebrew prophets were a mixed bag, I think. Check out Amos 4:7-13 as a for instance.

    God speaking: And I also withheld the rain from you
    when there were still three months to the harvest;
    I would send rain on one city,
    and send no rain on another city;
    one field would be rained upon,
    and the field on which it did not rain withered;
    8so two or three towns wandered to one town
    to drink water, and were not satisfied;
    yet you did not return to me,

    says the Lord.

    That does sound like crazy Pat. The Hebrew prophets were superstitious. As Alan noted about plate tectonics, they could be forgiven for living in superstitious times. We have no such luxury.

  9. True enough John. The larger context is about what God is going to do given the injustice in Israel (the first part of the chapter and the end). But clearly the center part of the chapter is about what God has already done and Israel didn't get the message.

  10. Sure it's funny and sad that Robertson isn't smarter than a 5th grader and doesn't know about the basic notions of plate tectonics we teach in grade school. Sure it's annoying that yet another wackadoodle conservative gets trotted out as the spokes-nut for all American Christianity. But we're missing the best, most hilarious part of all this: Robertson actually thinks people sit down and sign contracts with Beelzebub.

    He must have seen "The Devil and Daniel Webster" and thought it was a documentary.

    I think that part was so insane that most of us blot it out, but he really does think people make deals with the Devil. And any number of conservative folks agree with him, apparently.

    But if you're a conservative you're going to ignore that because those folks also donates a lot of money to conservative political causes & the churches that support them. Best not to tick off the busybodies, fusspots, tattletales, and scolds too much or they'll withhold their donations and start watching HSN instead.

  11. Have never watched his show, never given money to him and find his brand of Pentecostalism excludes me. I don't speak in tongues so I can't have a "successful" Christian life. Or at least that's what he says.

    I find most TV evangelists and preachers rather slimy. Except for African American shouting/singing preachers. They are fun. I particularly like the call/response of that style of worship.

  12. And I'm sure many "conservative" pastors would say the same thing, while knowing any number of their parishioners buy that snake-oil hook, line, and sinker.

    But I wonder what is the proportion of say, anti-gay sermons to anti-Robertson sermons from their pulpits. There's no way to know, of course, but I think I can guess pretty accurately.

    I think the attitude of many on the right toward Robertson (or any of the other right wing nutjobs) can be summed up with the old aphorism, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend." Which might lead one to wonder whether they're following Christ or Machiavelli.

  13. Robertson actually thinks people sit down and sign contracts with Beelzebub.

    That is also part of that fundy superstitious mindset that is wary of going down the wrong path, of listening to itching ears, and of being led astray. This is the equation of other religions as "of the devil" and so on. They advocate blind obedience as opposed to critical thinking.

  14. Alan

    Don't know. I've never preached an anti gay sermon except to say that we should be more concerned about heterosexual sin. And that got me in trouble for talking about heterosexual sin.

    I have talked about Robertson while teaching about the Holy Spirit. It was to the effect that I don't buy into the second experience of faith and the gift of the Holy Spirit as separate from the gift of faith.

  15. "And that got me in trouble for talking about heterosexual sin."

    Of course it did. Heterosexuals don't sin. Everyone knows that.