Shuck and Jive

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Comings and Goings of Jesus

As many of you know, I am a Presbyterian pastor. I am also the calendar keeper for Jesus in our sector of the galaxy. I keep track of Jesus's appointments for all the planets around our Sun and the other 999 stars nearest to us. It isn't easy, but I love my job.

My job isn't nearly as difficult as Jesus's job. He has to come and go to every planet twice. If you want to know what an ordeal that is check out the Galaxy Song. But that isn't a billionth of it. His schedule is full, and I mean jam-packed. He is always on the go. The angels keep telling him to slow down, but he is a man on a mission.

As you know, the big news for us is that Jesus is scheduled to return to Earth for his second coming on July 7th, 2007. I am so excited! He was of course, scheduled to come a lot earlier. Paul, who had a vision, thought Jesus would come in his lifetime. Jesus kept telling him, "Paul, I don't think I am going to make it that soon." But, Paul, as always, a bit stubborn, tried to pin Jesus down.

Well, as it turned out, Jesus had too many other pressing appointments then and couldn't get Earth on his calendar until 2007. He thought he might make it in 1843, but it just didn't work out.

You have to understand his schedule. Not only does he have to make first comings, but he also has to make second comings. But that isn't the half of it. He has to be there for the creation of planets and he has to answer all of those prayers. Thanks to his various moms and saints, they take care of a lot of that for him, but some folks just want to pray to Jesus. He has to answer to each one, "Yes, No, or Maybe Later."

Sometimes Jesus doesn't even know if he is coming or going. I shouldn't tell this (although it should be public knowledge by now) but Jesus goofed once. He was scheduled to arrive at the Globfyst Planet in the NGC 4414 Galaxy about 1000 years ago (our time). Jesus turned himself into a zygote and was just about ready to pop into a virgin, when Gabriel reminded him that he had already been to Globfyst! Jesus was supposed to do a second coming, not a first! Boy, the angels have been razzing him about that ever since!

NGC 4414, a typical spiral galaxy in the constellation Coma Berenices, is about 17,000 parsecs in diameter and approximately 20 million parsecs distant. Credit:Hubble Space TelescopeNASA/ESA.

First comings take some time. Thirty-three years for us. He has to be born, grow up, tell people to love their enemies, get crucified, resurrected, appear to apostles, then take off for his next assignment. Now on some planets that can happen in a few minutes (our time) but for others hundreds of years or more. One day is a thousand years for Jesus!

The second comings require even more work. Not as much time, just seven years or so after the rapture, but it is exhausting fighting the devil and chaining him to the pit for 1000 years. Jesus can do other things while the devil is chained, but he has to keep an eye on him nonetheless.

So, you get an idea of this busy, busy, busy god-man's schedule? So it isn't that he doesn't care. Far from it! It is just that this universe is a big place!

Thankfully, we are on the calendar for July 7, 2007. That is seven a.m. and seven minutes, seven seconds Jerusalem time. 07/07/07 07:07:07 I hope he can make it. Check your time zone.

Now, I have to go and meet with the other keepers of the calendar and make final preparations for the return of Jesus. I have to say, I am kind of helter skelter right now. I mean this just came up. I had no idea Jesus was going to come next week! I tell you, he is like a thief in the night.

But it is set. So, make sure you get saved by July 6th at the latest. You might want to get saved earlier, but if you do, make sure you behave yourself until the 7th.

O.K. Let's see, anything else? We have the rapture for Earth on the 7th. This will be my last blog post then on Earth. Wow!

Now, if there is a glitch in the plans, I will be back July 9th. Hopefully, no glitches.

I do hope everyone on Earth reads this blog.

Alrighty then, see you in heaven!



  1. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!


    As far as Jesus being around for the creation of the planets, didn't that all take place at once 6000 years ago? He must have been hella busy on that day!!!! :)

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  3. John, John, John.

    You just keep digging yourself deeper. It's no surprise to me that a pastor who chooses to take wide liberties with God's Word would indulge in the kind of silly humor you've posted on this entry. You seem to enjoy being profane. When's the last time you meditated on this:

    Eph 5:3-4
    ".....let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; .....filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting"

    You might want to check this one out again, too:

    2 Tim 2:16-17
    "But shun profane and idle babblings, for they will increase to more ungodliness."

    Good thing your silliness is all written down in cyberspace so that when God takes you to task for it you won't be able to deny that that's your John Henry on it. And there'll be plenty of witnesses too.

    I won't be wasting my time here anymore. I'm "shakin the dust" from my feet, John -- just shakin the dust. Pearls before swine, and all that, you know. God has spoken to me from the following, and I'll do exactly as He asks:

    1 Tim 6:20-21
    "O Timothy! Guard what was committed to your trust, avoiding the profane and idle babble and contradictions of what is falsely called knowledge-- by professing it some have strayed concerning the faith."

    I wish I could say it's been nice to meet ya, but it really hasn't.

  4. I always find it interesting how the three-tiered language is still used in terms of the second coming, even though we know that heaven isn't right above us. And since the ascension and second coming were written from the perspective that it is, shouldn't some things shift? For instance, the being caught up in the air to meet Jesus -- that's basing the idea on the fact that Jesus was above them in the clouds.

  5. My birthday is August 7, one month off! Dang!

    I'll be sure to take my umbrella with me on July 7, so as to shield myself against all those folks shitting in their shorts (per Mystical Seeker) on their way up to Jesus.

    Thanks for the warning!

  6. Hi Friends,

    Just a quick note. I will be off for the next week and a half preparing for the rapture, but if I find a computer, I will be making "Rapture Updates!" Are you ready?

  7. I will be making "Rapture Updates!" Are you ready?

    See, it's special insider information like this that makes this blog worth checking frequently. I was about to start an epic novel but now I know just to go with some light "beach novel" fare given the current timetable. Ah, and I see Alan has left the building (again), leaving us with the helpful tip that God has no sense of humor, thanks for that. Yea, only the crotchety shall ascend; can I get an amen?

  8. Well, I say if the Rapture DOES happen on 07/07/07, then maybe the rest of us can enjoy a little peace and quite and get on with the business of fixing the mess we've made of this planet!

    It also means I'm not paying my Visa bill early this month.

  9. I want to know if we can keep the belongings of all those who are going to be raptured, ala the bumper stickers. The freegans are going to be in freegan heaven, until somebody gets the idea to put the stuff up on Ebay.

    As Heather notes, they will be ascending up to, where? Makes me wonder if they will be beamed up onto the Heavenship Enterprise...

    Awaiting further cRapture updates with bated breath, John!

  10. Hey John,
    I like your blog, your sense of humor, and all of those little extras you put into the content of your postings. As for the Rapture, I gave up on that long ago after trying to figure out those annoying charts by dear old Clarence Larkin. Here's my take on the Second Coming. When you die, Jesus comes and gets and takes you to heaven...if there is one.

  11. Wow,
    I take back what I said about you on my blog John. A quick mind and a lively conversationalist, a nice guy... this posting is just... well... pedantic and smug-- sophomoric is the word I'm looking for, I guess.

    I do hope you find peace in your journey,