Hi Everybody! I have a few minutes to catch you up on preparations for the Rapture! It is only a week away and all of heaven is in full-speed making preparations for the return of Christ. I am in heaven right now and the latest word is that Jesus is on schedule and he is thrilled about his visit.
When I say heaven, I mean Earth's heaven. Every planet has its own nice little heaven. Of course, there is a big super duper heaven, but folks who know its whereabouts are keeping mum. Earth's Heaven is just above the stratosphere (so we can avoid the planes). The neat thing about heaven is that we have a delightul view (on a clear day) of Earth below.
Now when the Rapture occurs on Saturday July 7th, at seven seconds after seven minutes after seven a.m. Jerusalem time (be sure to make calculations for your time zone), don't be alarmed if you see bodies going up while you are not. Remember the dead have to rise first. So, be careful you don't get hit by those rapidly falling up bodies. Stay away from cemeteries. You also may notice a lot of ash and dust in the air. That is normal, each body is connecting with itself.
In Heaven, they are preparing a lovely banquet. Veggies, nice cheeses, meat trays, and everything is Kosher (for the Jews for Jesus). Once you are raptured, you will be processed. That shouldn't take too long and everyone will receive a white robe (modest yet sporty). The dead will go through the buffet line first (after being revived you know they will be famished!) But there is enough for everyone. After a nice leisurely banquet, Jesus will come and offer a few words of welcome. I'm sure there will be lots of laughs!
Now, I am going to check on the musicians. The trumpeters are vying for position--who gets a solo, who gets to be closest to Jesus--I tell you working with musicians can make you want to pull your hair out!
That's all for now! More reports to come! Just one week! Don't forget to save your neighbor!
John
Remember the dead have to rise first. So, be careful you don't get hit by those rapidly falling up bodies. Stay away from cemeteries.
ReplyDeleteDear Jesus's secretary,
So what happens if during the rising of the dead as they burst through the ground, a big fat cemetery stone whacks you on the head and kills you? It seems like your death would come too late for the rising of the dead, but you aren't alive so you can't be raptured with the living. What a bummer! And would you get thrown into the back of the line at the buffet table?
I can't wait for the rapture. As an unwashed heathen, I am wondering if I should book a room in a nice hilltop hotel somewhere and watch it from a window.
Woo hoo. I'm gonna party like its 2007!
Dear Mystical,
ReplyDeleteYou wouldn't believe how many odd cases we have like that! Now and then a dead body will actually catch a live one and whoosh the live one up with the dead! There is paperwork to do with that (especially if the live one shouldn't have been raptured!) Most of those cases get cleared up during the processing.
Good advice on a hilltop hotel!
Party On!
Signed,
Secretary 9B8 gamma sector
Grieving the Holy Spirit is a serious issue, John.
ReplyDeletePerhaps before you go on with this line of thought, however humorous you think it is, you should read Acts 5.
Thanks, Jesus's secretary for that answer!
ReplyDeleteI hope none of the rising bodies smash their heads into an airplane on the way up! Ouch! I hope heaven has an ER for those situations.
Unfortunatly, I can't think of the rising dead without associating that concept with zombies. So now I've got the following running through my head:
ReplyDeleteRapture: Even the Zombies have fun.
I wonder how differently Paul would've written his letters if he knew that the second coming was going to be delayed for at least 2,000 years.
Now, I am going to check on the musicians. The trumpeters are vying for position--who gets a solo, who gets to be closest to Jesus--I tell you working with musicians can make you want to pull your hair out
ReplyDeleteMusicians are just touchy that way!!!
So do Heaven musicians have a union too? If so, you'll have to have some recorded music on hand when they want to take their break and get in the buffet line.
ReplyDeleteMystical, make sure you wash up before the rapture (like take a shower or something). Although with all that falling ash maybe it would be best to wait until after.
John,
ReplyDeleteHow old are you? 16?
I live near a cemetary.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's an OLD cemetary. I can only imagine what might be emerging.
I also live near a mausoleum. Attatched to another, bigger cemetary. Luckily, that one is a bit further off, and it's a Catholic cemetary, so, I'm guessing not too many will be cRaptured from there: RC's ain't to big on the cRapture.
I wonder if I'll need to make any special arrangements, as I highly doubt I'll be among those cRaptured.
Any special advice
Keep mocking. This is nothing new.
ReplyDeleteThe hazard of public ministry is that you traffic so much in Holy Things that your hands and heart become callous. God isn't honored by that.
There he is! The green-headed guy! I knew he would show up at some point!
ReplyDeleteDear Cynthia, Eileen, and Presbyman,
ReplyDeleteJust found a moment to answer your questions:
Presbyman:
(In my best Julie Andrews' singing voice) "I am 16 going on 17..."
Cynthia:
Yes, there is a heaven's musician's union. Scheduled breaks are written into the contract. While the musicians are on break, we have a couple of stand up comedians ready to go. Don Rickles and Shecky Greene are real crowd-pleasers. What's great about them is that they likely won't be raptured. They will just be beamed up for the show then return to Earth with the rest of the unsaved. They are such great sports; they have no problem with that.
Eileen:
Yes, it is true that very few Roman Catholics will make it, unless they are protestant fundamentalists at heart. Of course, my advice is to say the sinner's prayer but really have to mean it. Don't use beads.
Hope that helps!
Signed,
Secretary 9B8 gamma sector
John,
ReplyDelete** my advice is to say the sinner's prayer but really have to mean it. Don't use beads.**
Great. Now I have Rapture: New Orleans style running through my head.
Presbyman,
ReplyDeleteI must repent. It wasn't the Julie Andrews character who sang, "I am 16 going on 17...."
It was of course Leisl played by Lauri Peters.
Here is a nice version in French.
Now don't you all go saying snarky things that since I don't know my Sound of Music characters that I can't possibly know about Jesus's calendar. Very different things, indeed.
Hey, it could be worse. Now I've got the song "Rapture" by Blondie running through my head:
ReplyDeleteWell now you see what you wanna be
Just have your party on TV
'Cause the man from Mars won't eat up bars when the TV's on
And now he's gone back up to space
Where he won't have a hassle with the human race
And you hip-hop, and you don't stop
Just blast off, sure shot
'Cause the man from Mars stopped eatin' cars and eatin' bars
And now he only eats guitars, get up!