Shuck and Jive

Friday, September 14, 2007

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

To use a phrase from Madpriest, "Don't blame me, blame Betsy:"

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well, my job is done .....Your turn


  1. And with that in mind, some more advice from Wellstone Action:

    It's fall, and that means Congress is back in session. The question is, will they act to end discrimination against people with mentall illness and addiction, or let another year go by without passing the Paul Wellstone Mental Health and Addiction Equity Act (HR 1424).

    This bill would eliminate unfair barriers in health coverage for mental illness and addiction and help millions of Americans gain access to treatments that can improve their lives.

    Speaker Nancy Pelosi has the power to bring the Wellstone bill to the House floor for a vote.

    This Tuesday, September 18th is the National Call-In Day to Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Let her know that average Americans across the country support this common sense legislation and believe the time to pass it is now.

    Get your dialing finger ready, and look for the toll-free call in number in your inbox next week. In the meantime, check out our Mental Health Parity Online Action Center.

    Wellstone Action!

  2. Good call, Snad! Thank you for that important link.

  3. A good joke, even more funny to those of us who have done our time in the psych ward. But ya'll should know that manic depression and bi-polar disorder are the same thing.

    And since I have it, I identify with Hendrix's song: Manic Depression:

    Manic Depression is a frustrating mess!