Shuck and Jive

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Rapture Update: Jesus and His Ride

Some of you may not be familiar with the last times scenario. You might consider reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Last Days: An Apocalyptic Look at the Future.

While some of the basic material is fine for idiots, it of course misses the main point that
the Rapture is this Saturday, July 7th!
For those of you in California, the Rapture will occur on July 6th. It is so important to check your time zone!

All of the rapture prophets are wrong. The reason is quite simple. They are concerned with Earth's events and not with Jesus's events. Jesus keeps his own schedule. He needs to go where he needs to go when he needs to go. For each planet in the universe he needs to come and come again. That is a lot of work. His appointments are set at his convenience regardless of whether or not Israel is a state or whether or not the European Union has so many members and what not.

Because the universe is so large, most of his time is spent in transit. Today, I will reveal how he travels and what he looks like! First, a look at Jesus!

Reverend Mom has some nice portraits of Jesus, they all come from the artists' imaginations. I have a photo! Yes, a photo of Jesus taken just a year ago.

This is Jesus. Not much to look at, but he means business. With a face like that the only vehicle appropriate is...

....the Lincoln Town Car.

This isn't Jesus's father's town car. This Lincoln has hyperdrive for interstellar and intergalactic travel. It has a top speed of 10,000 times the speed of light! It also has a plush waterbed in the rear for those very long trips. He has complete computer access to all sectors of every galaxy. It is one honkin' beast.

Nearly two thousand years ago, when Jesus ascended to Earth's heaven just above the stratosphere, he took a little break, then got in his Town Car for his next assignment. That is what he does every time he goes from one coming to the next.

I have just received word that Jesus has just said his final farewells to his apostles on Hysham 4 in the Alpha Centauri system. He will soon ascend to Hysham's heaven, board the town car and zip right over to us!

We are all so nervous in heaven. We really want to make this special for him. Any suggestions?

Don't forget the Rapture is less than two days away!

Mushy Kisses,
Secretary 9B8 Gamma Sector


  1. I'd keep plenty of water on hand, so he conjure up some spirits as he deems necessary.

    I'm sure he'll be mighty parched after all that traveling, and, knowing our lord as I do, he'll probably be ripe for some rip roarin' partyin'.

  2. Let's just hope he doesn't feel like hunting...

    John, thanks for the reference guide. I want to look cool carrying it on Rapture Day. Too bad I won't be able to resell it on eBay as it will be outdated material as of Sunday. :(