Shuck and Jive

Monday, July 02, 2007

Rapture Update: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

The best way to experience George Carlin's When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops is to purchase the audio book read by Carlin himself. However, it could be the last book you will ever hear or read as the answer to his question, "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?" is...

Saturday. This one coming. Five days from now. July, 7, 2007, at the seventh second after the seventh minute following the seventh hour, Jerusalem time. If you are in Baghdad and the seventh hour passes and you are still wondering why you are there and why Jesus is late again, do not despair, Jesus will not come until eight a.m. your time. Go here to find the time of the Rapture in your zone.

The day of the Rapture will be filled with entertainment thanks to Al Gore and his Live Earth concerts. Do enjoy the concerts but the purpose is rather silly, saving the Earth. Why worry about that? Save yourself and get raptured! Who cares about Earth? Jesus will take care of all that for us when he brings the pork chops on Saturday.

You may not be aware that Jesus spends most of his time in transit. You may remember the famous quip by Carl Sagan. He said if Jesus ascended from Earth 2000 years ago and traveled at the speed of light he would still only be a third of the way through the Milky Way. Well, that is just preposterous. Jesus can travel much faster than that. His top interstellar speed is 10,000 times the speed of light! He likes to call it Warp Ten Grand.

For instance, the distance between Earth and the center of the galaxy is 30,000 light years. At Warp Ten Grand Jesus can make it from there to here in just three years. When traveling between galaxies he can go even faster. He could really make time if he didn't insist on transporting himself via his resuscitated corpse. That really slows him down. But so many in his fan club do enjoy seeing the nail prints in his hands and feet and the wound in his side when he makes his second coming appearances. And of course, watching him take the first bite of the ceremonial grilled halibut brings tears to the eyes of the newly raptured.

However, as you can see, there are many, many galaxies with vast distances between them, so he has to carefully plan his routes. He likes to get as much done in one galaxy at a time if he can. Another factor is that the darn universe keeps expanding so he has even farther to travel each time he takes off.

Here is an experiment: take your Sharpie and make two points on a deflated balloon. Then inflate the balloon. The two points are the same in relation to the surface of the balloon but as the balloon expands the distances between the two points increases. Well, it is kinda like that.

Here is the latest news. Jesus is in our sector of the galaxy. He is very close. On Friday he will wrap up a first coming on a planet in the Alpha Centauri system. Since it is only 4.37 light-years away, at Warp Ten Grand, Jesus will make it to Earth in just a couple of hours. It should be a nice flight. I think he plans to watch the new Bruce Willis movie in order to relax.

O.K., that is it for now. Big excitement in heaven. It is hard to sit still!

Oh, by the way, the little green-headed guy who responded to my last post is working from an outdated manual. Don't bother with him.


  1. Wait, wait, wait. There are rapture manuals now? As in, third and fourth editions of how the rapture occurs?

    It all seemed to simple in the Bible: Jesus is born, walks around preaching, dies, resurrects, ascends, and will return very shortly.

    And then the *manuals* got involved and convoluted the whole process. ;)

  2. Managing Jesus's day planner in a vast, three-dimensional, ever expanding universe must be a huge pain.

    Reminds me of the old Ray Bradbury story about the guy who kept flying around the galaxy, trying to arrive on a planet to see Jesus's first coming. He should have been in contact with Jesus's secretary. Would have saved him the grief!

    As for rapture manuals, I am wondering if there is one in MS Word format that I could download. What's the web site URL for heaven again?

  3. Dear Heather,

    There are many, many manuals. Most of them false as scripture warns.

    Here are a couple of popular, yet outdated ones.

    Heaven's Gate

    Satan's Rapture

    Don't be mislead by them! You can trust me! I am after all, the secretary for Jesus in this sector.

  4. Dear Mystical,

    Sorry, I cannot give you that information. You'll just have to trust me. I have the correct answer by direct revelation. Don't be fooled by the imposters.

    You are right, managing his calendar is no easy task. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but people just don't know what goes on behind the scenes. Not that I am upset or anything, but Jesus gets the credit, and he deserves it, but you know there are others of us who do things too. We are just not in the spotlight. Not that I want to be in the spotlight or anything, it is just nice to be noticed...that's all...

  5. You are right, managing his calendar is no easy task. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but people just don't know what goes on behind the scenes.

    Well don't sell yourself short, you're playing an important role too. I hope Jesus at least sends you candies or flowers on Secretary's Day. And remember, you're really an administrative professional.

  6. Thanks for keeping us up-to-date, John. :)

  7. John,

    You said it, I believe it, that's enough. ;)

  8. Is there a Rapture for Dummies? I usually don't read manuals but if I carry this around I can at least look cool.

  9. Dear Bobby, Alex, Heather, and Cynthia,

    So pleased you are paying attention. Do get saved before Saturday. You'd be lots of fun in Heaven!

    You know, Bobby, Jesus has remembered me in many ways. He once sent me one of those funny e-mail greeting cards. It makes it all worth it!


    Here you go. THE COMPLETE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO THE LAST DAYS: An Apocalyptic Look at the Future

    For real! It will offer some good basic background, but of course misses the fact that I am the secretary and that the RAPTURE IS THIS SATURDAY!!!!!

    Much Love,
    Secretary 9B8 gamma sector