Shuck and Jive

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

What Does Heaven Look Like?

Hi Friends!

I thought I would give you a little tour of Heaven today so you can know what to expect if you get raptured just four days from now! By the way, if you have just found this blog, look to the right for the rapture reports in order.

Heaven is designed much like the Bristol Motor Speedway in Bristol, Tennessee.

It is seven stories high and seats 160,000.

That is important since only 144,000 will be raptured. Did I mention that? More on that later. First, here is what will happen on Your First Day in Heaven. That song is fairly accurate. To hear a snippet of it sung, check here. The tables are being set in the racing area for the banquet. Then the righteous will take their seats for the main entertainment of the day--a race! Except in Heaven we don't race those smelly gas guzzlers.

The Toyota Prius is the race car of choice.

It isn't just about winning the race. Four weighted averages are calculated:

  • Winning the race
  • Using the least amount of fuel
  • Emitting the smallest amount of CO2
  • Being courteous to other drivers

Jesus himself will wave the flag to start the race! After watching 500 laps of putting Prius's, it will time to mingle, meet the saints and begin to make plans for conquering the antichrist.

Back to the 144,000. When folks ask me their chances of being raptured, I say, "Not good." There are around six billion folks alive today. I imagine at least that many have died. So out of 12 billion, the odds of being in the 144,000 are about 83,333 to one. First, you have to fit this description:

Then I looked, and there was the Lamb, standing on Mount Zion! And with him were one hundred and forty-four thousand who had his name and his Father’s name written on their foreheads. And I heard a voice from heaven like the sound of many waters and like the sound of loud thunder; the voice I heard was like the sound of harpists playing on their harps, and they sing a new song before the throne and before the four living creatures and before the elders. No one could learn that song except the one hundred forty-four thousand who have been redeemed from the earth. It is these who have not defiled themselves with women, for they are virgins; these follow the Lamb wherever he goes. They have been redeemed from humankind as first fruits for God and the Lamb, and in their mouth no lie was found; they are blameless. Revelation 14:1-5

If you have defiled yourself with a woman, forget it. If you have defiled yourself with a man, that is probably OK. You might also notice this from the Westminster Confession:

III. By the decree of God, for the manifestation of His glory, some men and angels are predestinated unto everlasting life; and others foreordained to everlasting death.

IV. These angels and men, thus predestinated, and foreordained, are particularly and unchangeably designed, and their number so certain and definite, that it cannot be either increased or diminished.

V. Those of mankind that are predestinated unto life, God, before the foundation of the world was laid, according to His eternal and immutable purpose, and the secret counsel and good pleasure of His will, has chosen, in Christ, unto everlasting glory, out of His mere free grace and love, without any foresight of faith, or good works, or perseverance in either of them, or any other thing in the creature, as conditions, or causes moving Him thereunto; and all to the praise of His glorious grace.

It is all fixed. It doesn't matter what you do. But if you don't make it, don't be a whiner. Yet it is worth a shot to say the Sinner's Prayer and really, really mean it. The reason for the relatively small number, 144,000, is that Jesus doesn't need any more than that to take care of the antichrist. More on that later!

Hope you are still excited about the Rapture! This Saturday! Don't miss it! Even though you probably will.

Secretary 9B8 gamma sector


  1. >Whew!<

    With all the real Christians gone, it'll be much easier for us wicked conservatives to run off with our church property and join the EPC (EVangelIcaL Presby. Church).

    After all, we weren't waiting for the bodily return of the Jesus Christ. Rather, we are waiting in fervent hope for the return of 1957.

  2. Dear Jesus's Secretary,

    I couldn't help but notice the big American flags in one of your pictures of heaven. This makes sense, since the US of A is of course God's chosen country, and we were appointed by God to carry out his will on earth, which included making a total, complete mess out of Iraq.

    Of course, the reason the mess in Iraq is part of God's plan is that this will set up the whole Armageddon thing later on, after the Antichrist makes us all wear a 666 tattoo and after the Antichrist takes over control of the 10-nation European Union. Oh, wait, there are more than 10 countries in the EU since Hal Lindsey wrote his book in the 1970s. Oh well. Never mind that. The point is that all good, God-fearing Christians watch NASCAR races, which is why I am betting that almost all the 144,000 will come from the South!

    Sorry, I didn't want to bring that up or anything, but I am betting that some southern cities will be rather depopulated in a few days from now.

  3. It just occured to me that if I am one of the lucky Raptured ones, I must make sure not to wear any sort of skirt on Saturday. Nothing like taking the fun out of the Rapture like pulling a subdued Britney Spears -- how unGodly.

  4. Dear Heather,

    Yes, that is very thoughtful. You might want to consider putting on some modest rapture wear. Something like this would be appropriate.

    Dear Mystical,

    Well, yes the American flag is a prominent part of the heaven experience. Interesting that you mentioned the 666 dude. In my next update, I will talk about what will happen to those left behind...

    ...and, are you ready for this?

    I will reveal the identity of the antichrist!

    Dear Chris,

    You can join whatever church you want, of course. It won't matter much, because it is all over seven years from Saturday!

    Love to all,
    Secretary 9B8 gamma sector

  5. The link to the bloomers is what broke me up.

  6. If you have defiled yourself with a woman, forget it. If you have defiled yourself with a man, that is probably OK.

    So heaven will be filled with straight women and gay men, ergo, no sex in heaven?

    Doesn't sound like heaven to me. :(

  7. Dear Doug and Heather R.,

    Thanks! I try to please!

    Dear Cynthia,

    Yes, Heaven will be filled with straight women, gay men, and lesbians and straight men who are very, very, shy.

    Nope, none of that nasty, nasty, icky, sticky in Heaven's Virginal Paradise!

    Love to all (in a non-sexual way),
    Secretary 9B8 gamma sector

  8. You know, I just found this blog totally be accident, or was it providence? :) I'm loving it. I have a bit of a warped sense of humor, much like you, it seems, so anyway. Loved the whole bloomers thing! Great stuff. Keep glorifying the Lord. I do believe He has a sense of humor too.

  9. Hey Shalene!

    Thanks and welcome! Glad you found us!