Shuck and Jive

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Rapture Update: The Antichrist Revealed!

I hope you have enjoyed or are still enjoying your Fourth of July celebrations. They could be your last if you are fortunate enough to be raptured on Saturday, July 7th at seven seconds after the seventh minute after the seventh hour (Jerusalem time). For those of you who have just found this blog, I am the secretary of Jesus in this sector of the galaxy. All of the staff are giddy as schoolgirls about the return of Jesus! (You might want to catch up by reading the Rapture Updates at the right of this blog).

For those of you who will be left behind, you will facing seven years of really bad luck. The Antichrist (also known as the Beast) will make his appearance soon after the Rapture. In fact, he is one well known to you. Of course, there have been many speculations regarding the identity of the Antichrist. The speculations are now moot. From the hand of the secretary of Jesus, I give you the identity of the Antichrist. First, a reading from scripture:

Also it causes all, both small and great, both rich and poor, both free and slave, to be marked on the right hand or the forehead, so that no one can buy or sell who does not have the mark, that is, the name of the beast or the number of its name. This calls for wisdom: let anyone with understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a person. Its number is six hundred and sixty-six. Revelation 13:16-18
Here are some wrong answers:

Hillary Clinton? Nope.

George W. Bush? Not a chance.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Wrong again.

Al Gore? Sorry.

Although it is suspicious to some that he is holding a Live Earth concert around the globe on the day of the Rapture. Sinners in the Tricities area can participate at the Acoustic Coffeehouse in Johnson City at seven p.m. Saturday. They likely will not be raptured.

Here is the true beast. The Antichrist pretends to be an actor. His credits include:
  • Painless, the dentist in the original M*A*S*H*movie
  • Sergeant Enright in the television show, "McMillan and Wife"
  • Daddy Warbucks on Broadway in "Annie"
  • Yo-Yo in the television show, "Holmes and Yo-Yo" and
  • Appearances on "Fantasy Island" and "The Love Boat."
He was my favorite actor of all time but sadly he has now turned to the dark side. He has been preparing for his role in broad daylight. Yes, I must confess that the Antichrist is...

John Schuck

He looks like a nice guy. But that is merely a mask for his true identity--

--a Klingon Warrior. All Trekkies know him for his various appearances.
Only they are not appearances. That is who he really is! Watch him rise to power and take over Earth.

Cheerily, the 144,000 righteously raptured will prepare for battle with John Schuck for the next seven years. It is not all fun and games at that great NASCAR Speedway in the sky. All the raptured will be whipped into shape for the final battle against John Schuck and will use against him the coolest weapons ever created.

What Glory! Let loose the gods of War!

Excuse me, got a little carried away. So, the Rapture is this Saturday. Do try and get saved before then. Heather reminded me in the last post that ladies (and men who dress like ladies) should be careful about wearing short skirts on Saturday. While titillating to those Left Behind, it is, as Heather pointed out, a touch ungodly.

I leave you with some appropriate Rapture Wear:

With Anticipation,
Secretary 9B8 gamma sector


  1. So John Shuck is the Antichrist? Interesting!!!

    I'm God and, I can tell you for sure that no one is going to get raptured on 7/7/07.


    Within months, if not years, by my hand, we will be in the post apocalyptic world of 'Jericho' on TV! The proof is in the pudding! Stay tuned!

    My inaugural address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions! The Secret Rapture soon, by my hand!
    Read My Inaugural Address
    My Site=

  2. Dear Green Headed Guy,

    I know God.
    God and I are friends.
    You are not God.

    Much Love,
    Secretary 9B8 Gamma Sector

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Hi!

    We would just like to announce that the TN420 Emporium in Bristol will be accepting donations of Houses, Cars, and Family Fortunes from those being Raptured.

    After all, you can't take it with you, so we will make sure someone that needs a home or vehicle will get them. This last great act of generosity could get you a ring side seat in the Kingdom so don't miss out on this opportunity to bump to the front of St. Pete's line!

    Just contact captainkona and have your vehicle registrations and property deeds ready for notation.

    Your generosity is greatly appreciated. Blessings!

    Oh, BTW...
    I always thought Pat Robertson was the antichrist. That's what I get for assuming. ;P

  5. What a fine idea, TN420! Say, TN420 is also the name of Jesus's secretary on Hysham 4! What a coincidence! Any relation!

    Peace and Beads,
    Secretary 9B8 gamma sector

  6. No relation, but there's a great club on Hysham 4 called The Hard Luck Cafe'. The bartenders there make the best Pollox Milkshakes in the universe.