Shuck and Jive

Friday, July 06, 2007

Rapture Update: It is past time...still no Jesus

O boy, o boy, oboy, oboy, oboy. Jesus was supposed to be here hours ago to prepare for the Rapture which should have happened at 07:07:07 Jerusalem time. It is already 07:26:00.

I am not sure what to do now. We have lost communication with Jesus. We are busy scanning the galaxy for his Lincoln Town Car. Mother Mary is in a panic. It is chaos in Heaven. I am trying to make it calm by piping in some soothing Barry Manilow music. This one is playing now.

We are on standby in heaven, biting our nails. It is possible that the Rapture will still occur. It will be delayed just a bit, that is all. The food will be fine for another day or so.

So, keep your bloomers on. The Rapture could occur at any minute. I am frantic. Everyone in heaven is frantic. I hope I hear from him soon and that he is OK.

I will let you know as soon as I hear from him.

Keep your fingers crossed,
Secretary 9B8 gamma sector


  1. Be patient and read His word and He will be here in his own due time but you need to see a psychyatrist (sp?) and bad because for you to pretend or even believe that Jesus needs a secretary you are sadly mistaken. He has taken care of His own business for a very long time and won't need a personal secretary to help Him out. Spread His word and let the world know that He loves them no matter what and that they can be forgiven no matter the sin and that as long as they believe in Him they will enter Heaven. Not by works but by asking Christ to come into their heart and soul and try to turn from their sinful life (no one on earth has is sin free except for the one man that can save your life and that is Jesus Christ Almight).

  2. This is so not my original post! Why did you cut out the first two paragraphs. You know, the ones that state the Bible verse that says that NO ONE knows when Christ will return.

    We can't trust the MAN MADE calendar because Christ works in his own time and I can promise you that the actor you are trying to slander probably wouldn't be happy with the fact that you are trying to portray him as the antichrist because until Christ comes for His children we will not know who it is.

    I can promise you that Jesus is NOT Dick Cheney (he has sinned and he is a sinner which means he CANNOT be Christ). I can probably count on the fact that He's not arriving in some Licoln Town Car. You are so decieved and to delete part of what I posted is just wrong!

    Remember in Matthew it says: 24:41-42 Two shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord does come

    1. It will occur without previous notice to the bulk of humanity.

    2. Not everyone will be raptured from the same family.

    3. The ones taken will be in physical form, not spiritual form.

    4. They will have a very short time to leave.

    5. People will be taken to a place of refuge in a vessel similar to Noah's ark.

    6. They will continue to have children in the new place (spirits do not reproduce).

    7. The ones left behind will suffer DESTRUCTION similar to what happened in the days of Noah.

    Christ will take ALL His children into Heaven not just a few selected of 144,000 but EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO BELIEVES HE HAS DIED ON THE CROSS FOR THEM.

    Again in Revelations He says:

    Re 3:3 I will come upon you as a thief.

    In Matthew He says that He's not coming when you are expecting Him.

    Matthew 24:43-44 But know this, that if the good man of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. Therefore be ye also ready for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh.

    He also warns of of false prophets *cough* and of false raptures *cough*

    Matthew 24:26
    If ever therefore, they might say unto you, Behold, He is in the desolate place; DO NOT GO forth: behold, [He is] in inner chambers; believe [it] not.

    The evil one-world government has a plan to destroy true Christians by staging a false rapture. They will use this to lure true followers of Christ to their deaths.

    Matthew 24:23-26
    Then if any man shall say to you: Behold! Here [is] Christ, or there; BELIEVE [it] NOT. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall show great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if [it were] possible, they shall deceive the very elect.
    Behold, I have told you before.
    Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desolate place; DO NOT GO forth: behold, [he is] in the secret chambers; BELIEVE [it] NOT.

    It will be visible and it will be swift as lightning. His return will be preceded by signs.

    Matthew 24:29
    "But immediately after the tribulation of those days THE SUN WILL BE DARKENED, AND THE MOON WILL NOT GIVE ITS LIGHT, AND THE STARS WILL FALL from the sky, and the powers of the heavens will be shaken.

    Matthew 24:30
    "And then the SIGN of the Son of Man will appear in the SKY, and then all the tribes of the earth will mourn, and they will see the son of man coming on the clouds of the sky with power and great glory.

    When Jesus came for the first time as "the Son of Man" a star appeared in the heavens as a sign that He had been born. The magi followed this sign in the heavens till they came to the house where the child was. In a similar way, the return of Christ from the heavens will be announced by a SIGN in the SKY. We believe this sign could be another "new" star that will appear in the heavens.

    As His return approaches,

    John 14:1-3
    Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me.
    In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also.

  3. Holy crap, suds--he can delete anything he WANTS--this is his blog AND, he's Jesus secretary.


  4. Ha! 2/5/2525, eh? So maybe there WAS something to that old Zager and Evans song!

    I was a bit disappointed myself that the Rapture has been postponed. What an extraordinary event to witness!

    Last night, while in Marshall, NC, I saw a pick-up truck with a bumper sticker that said "My other car is UNMANNED". My first thought was "Wow! That's presumptuous!" My second thought was "Nah! He probably lost his tranny on his '83 Chevy and it's sitting in a ravine rusting - unmanned, indeed!"

    Dear Suds (and others)- relax! In case you haven't figured it out by now, John's not making fun of Jesus - he's making fun of us sinners who so depsrately want to think they are on Jesus' inside track. I advise you to geta cool, refreshing drink, find a piece of shady shoreline, drop a line in the water, listen to "The Galaxy Song" on your iPod, and obsolve yourself of the sin of self-righteousness. I can't think of a better way to spend a Rapture-free Saturday!

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  6. Well, I have to say, I thought these posts were funny when I thought that you were just poking fun at people that tried to predict the second coming of Jesus. Now that I know that you are actually poking fun at the whole concept and that you truly believe that there is no such thing, I don't find them funny anymore. I have deleted any references made by myself to your blog. I just don't think that your blog has anything of value to offer anyone that believes the Bible to be the only Infallible Word of God. I will be praying for you.