Shuck and Jive

Friday, July 06, 2007

Rapture Update: This is it!

We are just a few hours away from the Rapture!

One more time: Seven seconds after seven minutes after seven a.m on July 7th, Jerusalem time. If you are in Honolulu, that will be 6 p.m.
on the 6th! If you are in Sydney, Australia, that will be 2 p.m. on the 7th. For Sheboygan, Wisconsin, 11 p.m. on the 6th, and here in East Tennessee, it will be just after midnight on the 7th. Do, oh do check your time zone!

Jesus is on his way and will be here in a just a bit. He'll have time to go to the toilette, go over his speech and then...the excitement! I am so exited but so worried. I want everything to be right. Thank Jehovah for Eileen! She reminded me about the water! We have just shipped in 150,000 gallons of water for Jesus to turn into his special wine. That should be enough don't you think? I mean, that is a gallon of wine per person! Even when I was in college a half gallon was enough to send me to tipsy land. Jesus's wine is potent stuff!

I don't know if I have mentioned Jesus's mother, Mary. She is a sweetheart. I think of her as my own mother, really. I love her so much. I will die for her. But she is having a struggle with her gown. It is a little snug in the hips and bosom. Well, it is really snug. She swears she is the same size as when they measured her for it, but she has been worrying about this second coming. Jesus is her baby, and she wants everything perfect. She eats her worries, bless her heart. I know she has put on a few pounds and inches. The dressmakers will just have to adjust. She will look fabulous, I know.

The cod! Dear God, the cod! The cod has to be baked just right. There are so many ways to go wrong with cod. I need to check on the chefs again. Oh, this is so stressful. Everyone thinks I am a hyper little flibbity. I just want to shake some people. Jesus is coming! Get it together! Before I was hired as Jesus's secretary, heaven received its inspiration from the Department of Motor Vehicles, I swear. I had to clean house with staff, I tell you. I know I am such a Martha.

I feel like taking a Valium. No, no. Just breathe. Nice, nice breaths in. Nasty, nasty breaths out. I am successful. I am confident. I am a leader. I am the secretary of Jesus. I love myself and all living things. There. That's better.

I wish the limit on the 144,000 could be removed. I want to see you all! Do get saved! Who knows? There may be room for all of us! I want to give each and every one of you a big, big, big, hug!

This is it! This is my last post until I see you in Heaven!
Much, much, much love!
Secretary 9B8 gamma sector


  1. I'm bummed that it's likely I'll not be sharing the marvelous wine with you, o Secretary Extraordinaire to Jesus.

    I don't seem to have any of the right gear or mindset to ride the Rapture.

    Sniff. Sniff.

    Have a glass of the good stuff for me.

  2. You saved me, Eileen! I couldn't believe I had forgotten the water! Each raptured soul will need that gallon of wine to make it through the 500 lap Prius race.

    Do reconsider joining us??

    Secretary 9B8 Gamma Sector

  3. I'm ready!

    I got a few joints rolled, a bag of animal crackers (Noah's ark), and a bottle of Cialis just in case the Muslims are right about the 70 virgins.


    Please come, Lord. Rid us of the fundis so we can restore the beauty and love your name is supposed to represent.

  4. I'm sitting here awaiting my the cRapture.

    So far...nuttin'.

    My neighbors must not be fundagelicals either!

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  6. Psalm 14

    1 The fool says in his heart,
    "There is no God."
    They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;
    there is no one who does good.

    2 The LORD looks down from heaven
    on the sons of men
    to see if there are any who understand,
    any who seek God.
    3 All have turned aside,
    they have together become corrupt;
    there is no one who does good,
    not even one.

    4 Will evildoers never learn--
    those who devour my people as men eat bread
    and who do not call on the LORD?
    5 There they are, overwhelmed with dread,
    for God is present in the company of the righteous.
    6 You evildoers frustrate the plans of the poor,
    but the LORD is their refuge.
    7 Oh, that salvation for Israel would come out of Zion!
    When the LORD restores the fortunes of his people,
    let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad!