Shuck and Jive

Friday, July 06, 2007

Rapture Update: We Have Heard from Jesus!

Hi Everybody,

I just heard from Jesus. He is OK! Thank God. The sad news is that he is not going to make it to Earth for the Rapture. He was nearly here when he got news that an emergency was brewing in the Andromeda Galaxy. He has changed course.

Andromeda is 2.5 million light years from us. The top speed of the Lincoln Town Car when flying inter-galactically is Warp Fifteen Grand (15,000 times the speed of light).

Even at that speed he won't make it there for 167 years. He has to take care of an emergency and other issues, so he is certain he won't be back to Earth for at least 500 years. I tried to pin him down, but the earliest he will be here is February 5th, 2525 or 2/5/2525. It will be a great day!

I can't say that I am not disappointed. But, Jesus needs to be where he needs to be. He sent me this e-mail to pass on to you. This is a
red-letter e-mail from Jesus!

Dear Earth Friends,

I know you are disappointed. I am as well. My secretary, John, of 9B8 gamma sector, will fill you in on the details. He is a mensch, I tell you. A little flighty, but he has a good heart. No one is more disappointed than he is about the delay. I have to be where I am needed. A star in Andromeda is about to go supernova much earlier than I expected so I have to rapture those folks first. My job seems to be all about responding to one emergency after another!

Speaking of emergencies, I know that you think that times are perilous on Earth, with global warming, energy concerns, increasing population, Paris Hilton misbehaving and so forth. I tell you the truth, these problems are not as large as you think. You humans have been endowed with reason, compassion, creativity, imagination, and opposable thumbs! You can do it! I have complete confidence in you!

You just need to believe in yourselves! You don't need me to rescue you. You have everything you need within and among you! Even though I am going to be physically out of reach for the next 500 years, I am with you in Spirit! For inspiration, my Sermon on the Mount, is still an award winner. Also, you might want to read some of Tom Robbins's novels. He cracks me up! And what he says is so true!

Here are three things to remember:
  1. Clean up after yourselves.
  2. Don't take more than your share.
  3. Leave Earth in good repair for future generations.
And be lighthearted! Don't you think it is amazing that you even exist??!! Look around you! Enjoy life! You can do it! I have complete faith in you.

The Buddha, Krishna, Muhammed, Pan, Moses, Sophia, Ma'at, Zeus, and all the goddesses, gods, prophets, and demiurges send their love and good wishes. With much admiration...

Your Friend, Lord 'n' Savior,

P.S. I have had heard the rumors. I know the talk that is going around about Mary Magdalene and me. The gossip is getting out of hand. I want it to stop. I have had enough! So I am going to settle this. Mary Magdalene and I are just friends! Really. I mean it. Friends.

She is a desirable woman and, yes, I did ask Dad to
whisk her up to heaven. I admit that I am--I mean--I was attracted to her. Who wouldn't be with that long flowing red hair? She is a cutie. And yes, she does go on trips with me and is with me now as my personal assistant. But that is it! Get your minds out of the gutter! We are just friends...

Oh, never mind then.

Much Love,

So...that is it, I guess. Jesus has taken off for Andromeda in his hyper-drive Lincoln Town Car with Mary Magdalene and won't return for 500 years. 2/5/2525.

Now, I have to organize the staff here in Heaven. I have no idea what to do with all of this food. It is enough to feed God's army--literally! So much to do. I am being a little wistful now, but I won't see Jesus until after I am dead. I will pass on my daybook to the next secretary who will pass it on to the next and so on. We secretaries will do our best to keep track of Jesus's calendar. A secretary's job is never done!

Apologies to John Schuck. I guess he isn't the Antichrist after all. I am happy about that. I have always liked him.

So, it is just us. No Rapture, at least for a long, long while. We have to keep it together. I sure am glad I beamed in the Live Earth concerts. We will watch them as we clean up heaven. You should check them out and maybe even get involved in your area! If you are in the Tricities area join the crowd at seven p.m. tonight (July 7th) at the Acoustic Coffeehouse!

Signing Off,
Secretary 9B8 gamma sector


  1. Personally, I think it's brilliant. Thanks for the laugh.

  2. I honnestly belive you love the lord Jesus, but i also belive that you are a false profite, you must admit it and confess this to God, He is faithful and just to forgive you.

    Jesus said that only the father knows the date of his comming,

    you should take off your blog

    Jesus is comming soon, the father is in contole, even with "the emergencies" HE IS ALL POWERFULL

  3. Well...DAMN. I won't be getting any of that good stuff now.

    Glad I didn't go out and get any special bloomers.

    And, if you could possibly send some of the food down, and get the big J. to do his thang to the water to turn into his special hootch via his divine powers to transmit a miracle, you can send some of that down too. Me and Missy are dying for some special Jesus Juice. Thanks.

    Bummer. Big time bummer.

  4. Hey, MEL.

    Nobody loves Jesus more than we do. We even believe what he said about Love and God's GIFT of salvation.
    It's in the lessons Jesus taught if you could but perceive.

    Now, nobody's perfect, but I suggest you pray for some help with grammar and such. I mean, typos happen and a misplaced vowel here or there is no big deal, but jeeze, dude. I can't help but wonder how you're able to understand your King James version if your writing is indicative of your reading skills.

    Anyway, stop being a fundamentalist and apply some logic to the scripture you read. God created logic so it's ok to use some.
    It will help dispel your confusion.

    God be with you, bro'. :)

  5. Oh yes, please send down the top shelf stuff. We need it.

  6. 21 And if you say in your heart, ‘How shall we know the word which the LORD has not spoken?’— 22 when a prophet speaks in the name of the LORD, if the thing does not happen or come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD has not spoken; the prophet has spoken it presumptuously; you shall not be afraid of him.

    Deuteronomy 18:21-22 (New King James Version)

    I'M sorry, I hurted you, and your right my english is bad, i'm happy it's not my first languague...

  7. And here I spent all that time working through the Rapture Survival Guide.

    Anyway, I grew up with the Left Behind theology and was scared when I came home to an empty house. I would wonder if it had happened and I hadn't made the cut. (Back when I was an Arminian and trying to earn God's approval....I was naive then and thought he could be bought off by not cussin', dancin', drinkin', smokin', or sleepin' `round. That was before I was cemetery edumacated and found out that to earn Her approval, I'd have to lobby Congress for welfare expansion and to start driving a hybrid.)

  8. Missy,

    I will try to get it all to second heaven harvest or something!


    Sounds like you could use two 12 step programs: for both your childhood and your cemetery experiences.

  9. Thanks, but I found two five step programs (let's call them AA-Hodge and BB-Warfield) that fixed me right up! And there's a healthy subset of benefits that went with them.

    You should give it a try. Of course, the first step is still to admit that there's a problem to which you have no remedy in yourself.

  10. I am tickled pink that you found your cure. Keep it. I'll take the disease.

  11. Aww darnit! I was really really hoping to pin J-Dawg down about that whole Mary Magdalene thing .. Also wanted to ask him some questions about my favorite bible verse Ezekiel 23:19-20! Guess I'll just have to write a memo and get someone else to send it to him on their way up....I wonder what I did with that link?