Shuck and Jive

Monday, January 07, 2008

Jesus's Secretary Answers Your Prayer Concerns

Hey everyone!

It has been awhile since we chatted. I reported a few months ago regarding the big excitement about the impending rapture that didn't turn out. Jesus, as you may remember, had an emergency in another galaxy and took off in the Lincoln Town Car with Mary Magdalene. He is scheduled to return to Earth in 2525.

Heaven is back to its regular routine. As you know, one of the ongoing tasks of the folks in Heaven is to coordinate prayers. Now if that doesn't fill your head with gray hairs, nothing will! Since I am the secretary of Jesus, I am the chief coordinator.

Many people think that the prayers go directly to Jesus. That is not exactly the case. All prayers from Earth arrive first in the heavenly speedway. In Heaven these prayers are processed, categorized, and edited for clarity.

Here are some of Heaven's workers processing prayers. It appears to be break time.

Then the prayers are sent to the appropriate god, goddess, saint, or ancestor. Many of the prayers that are directed to Jesus, his mother Mary, or the Big Guy can actually be handled by the lesser deities.

Nevertheless, Jesus will get sent a good number. Mary answers more prayers than Jesus. She really has a gift. Very few prayers go up to the Big Guy. Don't tell the Muslims.

Sometimes, a mistake is made. A prayer may end up on the desk of a very different god than the pray-er intended. If you have ever wondered why a prayer was answered in a really strange way, that could be the case.

Heaven has been flooded with prayers in recent times. For a long time we tried to handle the volume ourselves. We have expanded our control center, brought on new workers, but it costs money. Some have entertained the thought of charging for prayers. But it really goes against heaven's principles.

We have solved this problem by outsourcing. There is planet in the Alpha Centauri system whose heaven isn't as busy for some reason. I guess folks are just happier there. They have been great. They work cheaply and efficiently. They process a great number of prayers and send them back for distribution in just a few seconds. They are willing to work at young age, too!

Here is a happy worker in the Alpha Centauri system coordinating prayers on a microchip. She is laboring so your prayers go to the right deity and make your life better.

Next time I will give you the lowdown on what kinds of prayers we receive. You won't believe what some people pray for!

Mushy Kisses,
Secretary 9B8 Gamma Sector


  1. Loved this! I once worked in Customer Relations, and I was paid to write response letters to angry missives sent to our CEO. Ah, the many times I wrote "Mr. so-and-so and I were very concerned to learn about your dissatisfaction with..." or "Ms. such-and-such read your letter of April 1 and asked me to respond on her behalf."

    I saved a couple pieces of hate mail, usually scrawled in a psychotic script on the back of my original letter.

  2. You've outdone yourself! I especially love the accompanying photographs. :)

  3. Grace is not going to like this one bit. I'll be praying she does not pray that you get smote for being a wise ass.

  4. My favorite part is the prayer processing room. At least the screens are colorful.

  5. Does this make me the under-secretary for Jesus? If so, wow! Does that mean I'm quickly climbing the corporate ladder to heaven?

  6. .....And, I suppose you added this post to totally remove the believers from your blog.

    It's hard to know what point you are trying to get across. I'm pretty slow at sarcasm.

  7. Hey all! Thanks for commenting! One helpful tip: when directing your prayers, do specify the deity and be concise. Also, repeat prayers generally go into the trash bin. Once will do it.

    Much Love,
    Secretary 9B8 Gamma Sector

  8. A visitor from the Planet Monkey here... what a great blog you have, I think I may be forced to blogroll you. If there is anything I love it is an irreverent Christian. And yes- following the commandment given to me, I am simply trying to love my neighbor as myself.

    As for prayer outsourcing, you all may think we papists are nutty neo-pagan idol worshippers, but let me tell you, we had this prayer outsource thing covered years ago.

    You do rather ably point out that with all the tons o' prayers of late and the potential for backlogs and mixups, this off-shoring so to speak, is the way to go.

    Pax my man-
    Papist She Is
    Irreverent Non Negotiable

  9. Rachel et al:

    In case you haven't read them yet, this post is a follow-up of a series John did back in July. Some nuthatches were convinced that at 07:07:07 AM Jerusalem time (12:07:07 Eastern daylight) on July 7 (07/07/07) that the Rapture would occur. John heralded this with regular reports from one of Jesus' secretaries regarding one of the loopier products of the fundamentalist/evangelical/pentecostal streams of American Christianity.

    Check 'em out: they're actually pretty funny.

  10. Hey, ((Monkey)) I'm a lover. I don't pray for anyone to be smote. :)

  11. Hey FranIam!

    Welcome! Thanks for the link! Nice to find another irreverent!

  12. Grace,

    I know you don't pray for anyone to be smote, smitten, smited, or smat. I am glad you are here. Sorry to come down so hard.